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Vulnerabilities as a blogger. Never good enough?

Reflections on some contradictions and fears while composing a blog about mindfulness and an attempt to live wholehartedly

You are here: Home / English / Vulnerabilities as a blogger. Never good enough?

Januar 9, 2018 //  by lukas//  3 Comments

When I wrote the German version of this post in December, I was sitting in the library and just thought that working on my „planned“ article doesn’t feel right at all. After meditating in the morning and doing some yoga, all of a sudden a lot of „negative“ feelings came up inside of me. I was feeling very lost, anxious, worried, worthless and somehow as if I had failed. My stomach felt tight and restricted and I was feeling a lot of tension and heat in my body. I asked myself why I was actually writing this blog. I asked myself if all the work I put into it makes any sense at all, if just a few people will read it. I asked myself what I am going to do in 2018, when my rehabilitation period comes to an end and I have to go back to work? I am not sure where I want to live, if I should leave Vienna and maybe move to Berlin. I asked myself if I am actually doing something useful and contributing to the world.

On top of that, I also felt guilty for having these feelings and worries in the first place. Isn’t it actually luxury that I am in this position and able to worry about such things instead of worrying for my survival, like I actually had to a year ago and many other people have to in this moment? And there were a lot of critical, intrusive, and condescending thoughts present. ‘’Why do I think I am in a position to write about mindfulness, healing and all this ‘positive’ stuff, after I had just spent a day on the couch, being depressed and distracting myself from these feelings by Binge-watching television series and surfing the internet?’’

A metaphor – The onion and layer work

In moments like these, I feel like I am back at the starting point of my journey and that no development has taken place. Still, I over criticize myself and bring myself down. I still have this feeling of not being enough, doing enough and there is this wish of being validated, liked and recognized by others. Since writing this blog, I seek this validation through “likes” or the number of people visiting the website. Then I asked myself if it wasn’t a bit of a paradox to write about mindfulness, self-compassion, empathy and healing, when I don’t live up to these principles myself.

Then I realized, through writing these lines that, I don’t really believe in those thoughts any longer. There are also other thoughts present. I am writing honestly about what the reality of my present moment looks like for me.What does it mean to be open and share my vulnerability with others? Inquiring these questions, instead of creating an idealized version of me, I believe, is actually quite a mindful thing and a very healing process.

Also during my life with cancer, there were moments of hope, confidence, and self-appreciation/ compassion, and there were other moments of worrying, fears, apathy, anger and pain. I remember a metaphor that I learned from an energetic healer I was working with some time ago. She offered me to think about myself and my healing process as an onion. There are many layers and we try to lift them and get closer and closer to the core. If “old” topics, thoughts or behavioral patterns show up again, it doesn’t necessarily mean that we didn’t progress or are failing. It just means that in the layer we are currently in, there is a task or learning experience to be learned. We have to accept it in order to make it deeper and deeper to the core of our being. In that sense we can call ourselves “layer workers”.

~

Social media – a challenge to staying present

In this emotional clutter, social media plays a very big role. I just re-opened a profile on Facebook last August after I didn’t use it for six or seven years. In November, I also opened a Facebook page for my blog. Since then, I am in a struggling relationship with Facebook. On one hand, social media is a great and almost a necessary way to connect with people and have an audience. That is also my goal, as I am very confident about the potential and value it can have for other people.
On the other hand, social media as a tool depends on coincidences (luck) and knowledge about marketing strategies. I am thinking a lot about what kind of “advertising” can be useful, so that more people may follow it. Then again, it is not my intention to sell something. I just want to let things flow and unfold on their own. Basically, I think about how I can follow my vision (this blog being of service for many people) mindfully. Maybe this article is also a contribution to the fruition of this vision?

The presence on Facebook triggers a lot of worries within me. How many people do I reach? How many people have to follow me so that “I” am successful? I compare myself with others and begin to judge and rate others. And then I think to myself “What the f*ck?! I really learned through cancer that it is absolutely useless to compare yourself to others. We are all unique, we start from different places and within different conditions and therefore comparison doesn’t make any sense. The more time I spend on Facebook, the more I compare myself to others and become more and more unhappy. There is a very nice short video dealing with this dilemma by Prince Ea. The title is “social media will fuck you up.’’ Prince Ea is a rapper and is very popular on social media. I like him. He produces smart short videos with healing, reasonable, motivating content about spiritual topics, life in general and social justice issues.

The American author Brené Brown writes that feelings of shame and vulnerability are the base for compassionate, loving and deep relationships between human beings. Currently I am reading her book “the power of vulnerability” and I’ve also watched a few Tedx talks and videos with her. Her Ted talk “the power of vulnerability” has been viewed millions of times. I absolutely love her. She says somewhere that we have to be vulnerable and take the risk of so called “failing”, if we dare to do something big. In that respect, we can never really fail. When we are doing something, that we are absolutely convinced about, when we dare to create something and be open and “out”, this is already success on our personal level. By daring to do it, we are valuing ourselves, our thoughts and experiences. It’s a courageous and brave thing to do. During the moments of writing this blog post I remembered this philosophy. Nothing can really go wrong, if I am convinced and joyful while writing this blog. And yes, I am still convinced 100%!

~

To cut a long story short

I recognize old patterns and remember that at the end of the day, it doesn’t really matter the slightest, what other people think of us. It doesn’t matter what kind of feedback we get. If we don’t try and learn to value, accept and love ourselves, all validation, praise or feedback from others is useless.
We will also not become „better“ persons or treat our fellow human beings better,if we have such internalized thought and emotional patterns. The first step to healing is to accept and welcome what is. On this website I write about different approaches in mindfulness, self compassion, self love and acceptance. I will share how different people and teachings help me again and again to remember this simple truth.

I want to thank you for reading these lines. For me it was very healing to write this unplanned and spontaneous article instead of continuing with the article I had planned. Maybe you recognized yourself a little bit in something I wrote about? I invite you too to welcome all parts of yourself and to remember that you don’t have to be alone with any feelings!

Resources

Prince Ea – youtube Channel

Prince Ea – social media will fuck you up

Brown, Brené (2017): Verletzlichkeit macht stark. Wie wir unsere Schutzmechanismen aufgeben und innerlich reich werden. Goldmann Verlag, München
(English title is “Daring greatly” from 2012)

Brene Brown – Homepage

Tedx talk: The power of vulnerability

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Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. goodnessofbooks

    März 11, 2018 at 8:07 am

    Exactly what I had to read at this point. I think this is life’s answer to me …. thank you for writing it….I needed the Onion example and theory….thank you !!

    Antworten
    • mindfullukas

      März 13, 2018 at 5:53 pm

      Hi fellow being! I am happy to read that it resonates with you 🙂 That is amazing! i wish you all the best for your journey !! Lukas

      Antworten

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healingwithlukas

cancer survivor (06/2016), writer, HSP, spiritual queer. currently on a break from this "attention terrorism"
also @cuddlybodyworker

Lukas Brock
Bye bye spiritual bypassing or happy Christmas 202 Bye bye spiritual bypassing or happy Christmas 2020

Passend und just in time vor Weihnachten gibt es einen neuen Blogartikel auf www.healingwithlukas.com mit kritischen und bitchigen Kommentar zu einem wichtigen Thema für die Spiri-peoples unter uns... 

Ich habe gerade wenig Lust beim Instagram und Facebook Aufmerkamkeits Terror mitzumachen, deswegen gibt es hier keine Zusammenfassung. 

Ich werde über das Jahresende wie schon bisher auch wenig hier sein. Das tut meiner psychischen Gesundheit nämlich echt gut! 

Wenn ihr könnt: Im Artikel ist ein Link zu einer Spendenaktion für die Seenorrettung, an der ich mich beteiligt habe. 

Frohe Weihnachten my dear followers 🙏

#jesusisbrown #jesuswasarefugee #makechristmasgreatagain #spiritualitätleben #spiritualbypassing #conspirituality #instagramfatigue #weihnachtenoida #jesuswürdelinkswählen #christiansagainsttrump #spirituellermissbrauch #spitituellesverdrängen #feelyourfeelings #gefühlezulassen #achtsamkeit #hierundjetzt #socialmediaisbadformymentalheath
Cancer realness. Bad veins / Krebsrealität, schl Cancer realness. Bad veins / 
Krebsrealität, schlechte Venen 

Today I went to my marvellous and super empathetic, queer friendly urologist that does my oncological check up.

I realised that I haven't been thinking of my herstory as a cancer survivor that much in those last days and weeks but sitting there and taking blood made me remember that my body went through a lot.

It came to my mind when the needle enters my vein, the look of the nurse when nothing comes out, when they tried to shove the needle around in the vein and the plastic tube still stays dry. Taking deep breaths knowing that getting stressed makes it worse and telling myself that it will work out eventually, also this time. 

While usually taking blood is an easy thing from an 32 year old, I needed 3 tries today: pretty acceptable  though a reminder that just 4 years ago my life circumstances were so so much different, then they are now. And a moment to realise how lucky I was and am and how grateful that I survived 🙏

[The image shows my arms and three  white plasters] 
_______ 
Heute war ich bei der Nachsorge bei meinem wunderbar super empathischen und queer-freundlichen  Urologen. 

In letzter Zeit habe ich selten daran gedacht, dass ich noch immer theoretisch Krebspatient bin und beim Blutabnehmen kam es mir wieder in Erinnerung, dass mein Körper bzw. Ich einiges hinter sich hat. 

Es wurde mir bewusst als dieser wohlbekannte Stress in mir aufkam, als die Krankenpglegerin began mit der Nadel in meiner Vene herum zu fahren, in der Hoffnung, dass doch vielleicht noch Blut rauskommt, aber das Röhrchen blieb leer. Tief atmen, und mir in Erinnerung rufen, dass es doch immer klappt.

 So auch heute, beim dritten Mal. Für die meisten Menschen meines Alters ist eine Blutabnahme kein großes Ding. Ich hab mich wieder erinnert, was ich alles hinter mir habe und wie arg krass anders meine Lebebsumstände noch vor drei Jahren waren. In dem Moment fiel mir auf, wie glücklich und dankbar ich für mein Leben bin und dafür noch am Leben zu sein 🙏

[Das Bild zeigt meine Arme mit drei Pflastern] 

#krebsüberlebender
#krebsempowerment #hodenkrebs #nachsorge #blutabnahme #dankbar #cancersurvivorsrock
Radikal feministische Perspektive auf den #movembe Radikal feministische Perspektive auf den #movember Männer*gesundheitsmonat 

Im November kam viel Zusammen: der Terroranschlag in Wien, die US Wahl, das de facto Verbot von Schwangerschaftsabbruch in Polen, die Trans awareness week und #transdayofremembrance, bei dem der Ermordung von Transfrauen und trans und nicht binären, Geschlechter-nonkonformen Personen gedacht wurde und Tag zur Beendigung aller Gewalt gegen Frauen.
Ich wollte sowieso etwas zum Männergesundheits Monat posten und war dann von den ganzen Ereignissen überwältigt. 

Dann fiel mir (warum auch immer) die Ricola Werbung ein: "Wer hat's erfunden? Und ich sah das verbindende Problem all dieser Themen: Männer, Cis-männer um genau zu sein. Ich dachte dann an ein Gespräch mit einem Freund zurück, der die politische Meinung von Matriarchat vertrat. 

Und da dachte ich mir: packen wir das Übel an der Wurzel. Warum nicht ein globales 50 jähriges Matriarchat. Männer* sollen sich weiterhin mit ihren Stärken, Wissen und Fähigkeiten einbringen. Wir brauchen natürlich jeden Einzelnen, jeder Bub und Mann ist wertvoll und wunderbar🙏💕

ABER alle Machtpositionen für 50 Jahre an Frauen*. Ganz rational und faktisch muss man ;) festhalten, dass Männerherrschaft seit 1000en Jahren nicht das aller rosigste für diesen Planeten war und kurz davor ist unser aller Lebensgrundlage zu zerstören 

Ohne  Herrschaft (passendes Wort) ist dann auch mehr Zeit für positive männliche Vorbilder, selbstreflexion, Vorsorge Untersuchungen und dazu sich um die Gesundheit zu kümmern. 
Wer weiß, vlt. Ist die Lebenserwartung nach 50 Jahren Matriarchat dann ausgeglichen?

Den ganzen Artikel gibt's auf www.healingwithlukas.com 

#männergesundheit #männlichkeit #matriachat #futureisnonbinary #frauenandiemacht #frauenandiespitze #kritischemännlichkeit #stoppatriarchy #weneedyou #feministutopia
Aus gegebenen Anlass ;) [Das Bild zeigt ein Phot Aus gegebenen Anlass ;) 

[Das Bild zeigt ein Photo eines Bürgersteig. Darauf steht: queer Denken, statt quer denken mit dem trans* Symbol] 

#trans #queerrevolution #queers4climatejustice #queersofinstagram #gegenrechts #zusamenhalten #queerberlin #wissenschaftskommunikation
Some light for battling darkness [Picture shows a Some light for battling darkness

[Picture shows a sunset. The sky is illuminated with purple, pink and yelow light, which is reflected by the water of river Spree] 

Thought of the day:
How beautiful nature is and how fucked up we humans. I thought about death quiet a lot last week. So many political things bother and worry me so deeply these days. Some time ago I took a walk after listening to the news about Polands recent mysogenist laws practically making abortion illegal. I felt so overwhelmed and scared about how right wing fascists can so quickly get into power and endanger peoples lives. 

I wondered how that could happen just a couple of kilometers away from my humble in Berlin. I walked next to the river Spree where I live and all of a sudden, when turning around the corner I saw this sky. It was so magnificent that I just stood there watching the change of color for 20min. It was so beautiful. I wondered: do the fascists and religious fundamentalists, who passed the anti abortion law, feel touched and moved by this sky as well? How do they see this world? What brings them joy? What do they feel when seeing this magnificence? 

In this moment I felt so melancholic and i asked myself: How  can life be so beautiful and humans so fucked up? 

#sunsetlovers #spreeufer #treptowerpark #berlinsunsets #movember #männergesundheitsmonat #introvertqueer #hsp #
#Repost @ecouteepodcast • • • • • • Be #Repost @ecouteepodcast
• • • • • •
Berlin Mitte

Wir können nie wissen, wie unsere Handlungen andere Menschen beeinflussen. Das hat Lukas auf seinem Weg ganz sicher gelernt. Seine ganze Geschichte hört Ihr in der  18. Folge des écoutee podcast! Danke @healingwithlukas für deine Geschichte!

Danke an Hannah für die tolle illustration. Für weitere spannende Geschichten folgt @ecouteepodcast hier auf Insta 

#krebsempowerment #krebsüberlebender #queerempath #queerhochsensibel #gaysofberlin #healingquotes #weisesprüche #testicularcancer #hodenkrebs #movember #männergesundheit #krebsbewusstsein #testicularcancerawareness
Mehr laden… Auf Instagram folgen

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