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Vulnerabilities as a blogger. Never good enough?

Reflections on some contradictions and fears while composing a blog about mindfulness and an attempt to live wholehartedly

You are here: Home / English / Vulnerabilities as a blogger. Never good enough?

Januar 9, 2018 //  by lukas//  Leave a Comment

When I wrote the German version of this post in December, I was sitting in the library and just thought that working on my „planned“ article doesn’t feel right at all. After meditating in the morning and doing some yoga, all of a sudden a lot of „negative“ feelings came up inside of me. I was feeling very lost, anxious, worried, worthless and somehow as if I had failed. My stomach felt tight and restricted and I was feeling a lot of tension and heat in my body. I asked myself why I was actually writing this blog. I asked myself if all the work I put into it makes any sense at all, if just a few people will read it. I asked myself what I am going to do in 2018, when my rehabilitation period comes to an end and I have to go back to work? I am not sure where I want to live, if I should leave Vienna and maybe move to Berlin. I asked myself if I am actually doing something useful and contributing to the world.

On top of that, I also felt guilty for having these feelings and worries in the first place. Isn’t it actually luxury that I am in this position and able to worry about such things instead of worrying for my survival, like I actually had to a year ago and many other people have to in this moment? And there were a lot of critical, intrusive, and condescending thoughts present. ‘’Why do I think I am in a position to write about mindfulness, healing and all this ‘positive’ stuff, after I had just spent a day on the couch, being depressed and distracting myself from these feelings by Binge-watching television series and surfing the internet?’’

A metaphor – The onion and layer work

In moments like these, I feel like I am back at the starting point of my journey and that no development has taken place. Still, I over criticize myself and bring myself down. I still have this feeling of not being enough, doing enough and there is this wish of being validated, liked and recognized by others. Since writing this blog, I seek this validation through “likes” or the number of people visiting the website. Then I asked myself if it wasn’t a bit of a paradox to write about mindfulness, self-compassion, empathy and healing, when I don’t live up to these principles myself.

Then I realized, through writing these lines that, I don’t really believe in those thoughts any longer. There are also other thoughts present. I am writing honestly about what the reality of my present moment looks like for me.What does it mean to be open and share my vulnerability with others? Inquiring these questions, instead of creating an idealized version of me, I believe, is actually quite a mindful thing and a very healing process.

Also during my life with cancer, there were moments of hope, confidence, and self-appreciation/ compassion, and there were other moments of worrying, fears, apathy, anger and pain. I remember a metaphor that I learned from an energetic healer I was working with some time ago. She offered me to think about myself and my healing process as an onion. There are many layers and we try to lift them and get closer and closer to the core. If “old” topics, thoughts or behavioral patterns show up again, it doesn’t necessarily mean that we didn’t progress or are failing. It just means that in the layer we are currently in, there is a task or learning experience to be learned. We have to accept it in order to make it deeper and deeper to the core of our being. In that sense we can call ourselves “layer workers”.

~

Social media – a challenge to staying present

In this emotional clutter, social media plays a very big role. I just re-opened a profile on Facebook last August after I didn’t use it for six or seven years. In November, I also opened a Facebook page for my blog. Since then, I am in a struggling relationship with Facebook. On one hand, social media is a great and almost a necessary way to connect with people and have an audience. That is also my goal, as I am very confident about the potential and value it can have for other people.
On the other hand, social media as a tool depends on coincidences (luck) and knowledge about marketing strategies. I am thinking a lot about what kind of “advertising” can be useful, so that more people may follow it. Then again, it is not my intention to sell something. I just want to let things flow and unfold on their own. Basically, I think about how I can follow my vision (this blog being of service for many people) mindfully. Maybe this article is also a contribution to the fruition of this vision?

The presence on Facebook triggers a lot of worries within me. How many people do I reach? How many people have to follow me so that “I” am successful? I compare myself with others and begin to judge and rate others. And then I think to myself “What the f*ck?! I really learned through cancer that it is absolutely useless to compare yourself to others. We are all unique, we start from different places and within different conditions and therefore comparison doesn’t make any sense. The more time I spend on Facebook, the more I compare myself to others and become more and more unhappy. There is a very nice short video dealing with this dilemma by Prince Ea. The title is “social media will fuck you up.’’ Prince Ea is a rapper and is very popular on social media. I like him. He produces smart short videos with healing, reasonable, motivating content about spiritual topics, life in general and social justice issues.

The American author Brené Brown writes that feelings of shame and vulnerability are the base for compassionate, loving and deep relationships between human beings. Currently I am reading her book “the power of vulnerability” and I’ve also watched a few Tedx talks and videos with her. Her Ted talk “the power of vulnerability” has been viewed millions of times. I absolutely love her. She says somewhere that we have to be vulnerable and take the risk of so called “failing”, if we dare to do something big. In that respect, we can never really fail. When we are doing something, that we are absolutely convinced about, when we dare to create something and be open and “out”, this is already success on our personal level. By daring to do it, we are valuing ourselves, our thoughts and experiences. It’s a courageous and brave thing to do. During the moments of writing this blog post I remembered this philosophy. Nothing can really go wrong, if I am convinced and joyful while writing this blog. And yes, I am still convinced 100%!

~

To cut a long story short

I recognize old patterns and remember that at the end of the day, it doesn’t really matter the slightest, what other people think of us. It doesn’t matter what kind of feedback we get. If we don’t try and learn to value, accept and love ourselves, all validation, praise or feedback from others is useless.
We will also not become „better“ persons or treat our fellow human beings better,if we have such internalized thought and emotional patterns. The first step to healing is to accept and welcome what is. On this website I write about different approaches in mindfulness, self compassion, self love and acceptance. I will share how different people and teachings help me again and again to remember this simple truth.

I want to thank you for reading these lines. For me it was very healing to write this unplanned and spontaneous article instead of continuing with the article I had planned. Maybe you recognized yourself a little bit in something I wrote about? I invite you too to welcome all parts of yourself and to remember that you don’t have to be alone with any feelings!

Resources

Prince Ea – youtube Channel

Prince Ea – social media will fuck you up

Brown, Brené (2017): Verletzlichkeit macht stark. Wie wir unsere Schutzmechanismen aufgeben und innerlich reich werden. Goldmann Verlag, München
(English title is “Daring greatly” from 2012)

Brene Brown – Homepage

Tedx talk: The power of vulnerability

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Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. goodnessofbooks

    März 11, 2018 at 8:07 am

    Exactly what I had to read at this point. I think this is life’s answer to me …. thank you for writing it….I needed the Onion example and theory….thank you !!

    Antworten
    • mindfullukas

      März 13, 2018 at 5:53 pm

      Hi fellow being! I am happy to read that it resonates with you 🙂 That is amazing! i wish you all the best for your journey !! Lukas

      Antworten

Trackbacks

  1. Follow me on my journey as a queer cancer survivor – Mindful Survivor sagt:
    April 13, 2020 um 11:38 am Uhr

    […] Insights”. In “My Story” I share about my treatment, what I did after treatment, how it feels to write such a blog and where I am at right […]

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[ Das Bild ist wieder ein Zitat von Daan van Kampe [ Das Bild ist wieder ein Zitat von Daan van Kampenhout. Darauf steht auf Englisch: "If you feel, that something is deeply lacking in your community, and you are convinced that this something is needed, then it becomes your spiritual task, to help manifest that."] 

I love those quote by a queer Jewish Shaman Dean can Kampenhout. He said that at an introduction meditation during one of my first stretch festivals, a festival for gay, bi/pan, trans* and queer men*, that was very central in my healing path and brought me to Berlin. 

This message empowered me to decide to write my story down as a gay queer-feminist, empath, spiritual  cancer survivor. 

I am also thinking a lot at this moment, how despite all the challenges with surviving cancer, I am simultaneously so privileged as a white, cisgender man and how much my existence is so welcomed and normalised in our global white supremacist system. 

I also read and think a lot about Buddhism, the mindfulness movements and how white they often are. I discover more and more black and brown Buddhist teachers or scholars, and other brown, indigenous, black and some white spiritual people combine and integrate their spirituality in social and healing justice work. 

And I know that this is my way as well. I often think back, how small my world became for several years, surviving this life threatening disease called cancer. And how long it took and still takes me to settle back into the "normal" world, that never was and is normal after all. 

I am so blessed that I regained my strength so that I have more confidence now to engage, make myself heard and contribute something to positive change. 

So yeah. I am curious how and when and in what form my story will manifest in a book. I want to tell a diverse and complex story for queers, survivors and mainstream folk. So let s see where this journey will continue. 

Since I am also struggling with depression since some time I remind myself and you. 

Don't give up! You, your story and contribution matters! We need everybody to fight together for liberation for all. 

Peace 

#cancersurvivorquotes
#testicularcancersurvivors
#shamanicwisdom
#transformation #yourstorymatters
[ The picture shows a screenshot of the social med [ The picture shows a screenshot of the social media app Phow. The titel says "introducing healingwithlukas, there is a picture of my meditating, with overlapping images] 

This is for my English speaking followers especially. I am happy to share here as well that since July I have my first small writing job for a super cool project. 

I write journals on the alternative social media app "Phlow". @phlowzone 

They enable a more mindful approach to social media, where you follow journals instead of people, so all is based on content, rather then a person or brand. They equally don't sell your data, to show you the right advertisements and encapsule you in your bubble. They really want to focus on the content, rather then, who screams the loudest, or buys the most likes and fake friends etc. 

Phlow is a really cool project and I love the philosophy behind it. Check it out, if you are interested! 

There I am writing about my journey in English in short and compact way. My introductory journal is finished, and right now I'm working on the next one, telling the story of how I got diagnosed with stage 3 testicular cancer 5 years ago. 

I am really starting to write and work for my book as well and will launch a patron page soon, where I will share manuscripts and snippets of chapters of my book on a monthly basis. Let's see how that goes. 

Thank you also for the encouraging feedback from many of you. It really motivates me to keep up and follow my insecure path as a writer and soon to be cuddle and touch provider! 

#mindfulness #mindfulsocialmedia #writersthoughts #gaywriter #gayblogger #cancersurvivors #cancersurvivorbook #cancersurvivorwarrior #testicularcancersurvivor #introvertsofinstagram #calmpower #writingistherapy #instagays #queercancersurvivor #journalingchallenge #artistsway
[ Das Bild ist der Zitathintergrund dieses Profils [ Das Bild ist der Zitathintergrund dieses Profils mit einem gold orangen Buddha Vorhang und einer Klangschale. Das Zitat ist auf Englisch] 

"To be is to interbe
You cannot just be 
By yourself alone 
You have to interbe 
With every other thing." 
- Thich Nhat Hanh - 

Who am I? Am I a cancer survivor? 
Am i a gay cis man? 
Why could I survive?
who or what healed me?
Who is this me? 
Am I my ideas? 
Am i only this body? 

I don't know anything anymore really. And that is great! The beauty of mindfulness and presence is that I learned to see constructs as constructs and see that I am connected to everything there is. 
I interam here because I didn't have to have 500.000€ in my bank account in order to pay for my medical treatment. 
I interam here because nurses and doctors washed their hands and hardworking cleaners kept my isolation chamber clean of germs. 
I interam also here because I was an active patient in the treatmemt and took care of myself the best I could. Meditating, body scanning, stretching, praying, walking daily. 

I interam also with the exploited child, who is forced to dug up precious earth for this smart phone, in which I type letters, forming this post.
I Interam with the factory worker in China, working a 60 hour week. 
I interam with the global neoliberal system,  in which miraculously I was born into the sixth of the global population living in the "first world".
 I interam with my mother who didn't drink alcohol during being pregnant with me, so my brain could develop in a way that I could learn to read write and express myself in several languages. 
I interam with the comfort of sitting in my cosy flat, that I might not have gotten if I was black or my name Turkish or "muslim". 

Everything is spiritual. Oppression also uses our ego, which thrives on separation and the sense and need for being special, different and separate. Oppression needs me to disconnect from others, nature, myself and my body. 
 It is possible to honour individuality and freedom, but remember that we all codepend and interare with other humans, our power- and social structures and this planet. 

#buddhistwisdom #thichnhathanh
#interbeing
#nonduality #empathsofin
[ das Bikd zeigt einen Screenshot des blogs mit de [ das Bikd zeigt einen Screenshot des blogs mit dem Titel zum Artikel: ethisches Statement] 

#cancersurvivorquotes #cancerblogger #krebsblogger #ethischeshandeln #ethik #wertermittlung #gayblogger #moralstory #gaysupportfeminism #gaysupport #schreiben #autorenschaft #introvertsofinstagram #infjquotes #infj #empathsofinstagram #hsp #hochsensibelglücklich #hochsensibel
[ Das Bild zeigt den Zitathintergrund mit Klangsch [ Das Bild zeigt den Zitathintergrund mit Klangschale und Vorhang mit Buddhamotiv. Im Textfeld steht: "von und mit den eigenen Werten arbeiten und schreiben."] 

Bei einem Aufenthalt in einem indischen Ashram habe ich einen Mensch kennengelernt, der mir erzählte, dass er irgendwann begonnen hat seine Werte aufzuschreiben.

Er hat dann beschlossen künftig nur mehr für Menschen, Projekte und Jobs zu arbeiten, die er mit seinen Werten in Einklang bringen kann. Oder zumindest zu merken, dass es wo hapert und dann zu versuchen, etwas zu tun, damit ein Einklang oder eine Annäherung passieten kann. 

Das fand ich faszinierend. Ich habe dann selber begonnen mir zu überlegen und aufzuschreiben, was mir eigentlich wichtig ist. Ich habe auch Menschen gefunden, die auf ihrer Homepage und professionellem Angebot so etwas, wie ein ethisches Statement verfasst haben. Z.b. @dawn_serra. Das hat mich inspiriert dies auch für meine Arbeit zu verfassen. 

Ich denke, wie es wäre, wenn dies mehr Praxis und normal wäre. Was würde anders Laufen? Wie oft haben wir gar nicht die Möglichkeit unsere Werte zu vertreten in diesem System. Welche kollektiven Werte dienen uns und welche dienen uns nicht mehr? 

Das finde ich sehr spannende Fragen, und vorallem meine Krebserfahrung hat meine Werte nochmal ordentlich verschoben und um Achtsamkeit, Embodiment und buddhistische Philosophie erweitert. 

Was sind deine Werte? Für dich und im Arbeitskontext? 

#werte #wertewandel #antikapitalismus #innereressourcen #moralphilosophy #moralphilosopher #spiritualqueers #spiritualitätimalltag #spirituellewerte #changeyourselfchangetheworld #valuesmatter #corevalues
[ das Bild zeigt einen screenshot eines Blogartike [ das Bild zeigt einen screenshot eines Blogartikels. Der Titel ist: Gedanken darüber eine Geschichte zu erzählen. ] 

Den Beitrag gibt es zu sehen auf www.healingwithlukas.com -> about -> Gedanken darüber eine Geschichte zu erzählen 

#chimanandangoziadichie #storytelling #cancerblogger #cancersurvivorquotes #krebsblogger #geschichtenerzählen #writerslife #schreibenschreibenschreiben #bloggen #storiesmatter #diversegeschichten #gayblogger #gayspirituality #gayspiritualwarrior
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